March 1st, 2014
I feel.... Well, I am not sure what I feel. I am so unsure right now. Who am I? What do I really stand for? What do I truly want? I feel like people are so quick to judge. It hurts and I just hide it. I hide emotions and I know that. I just don't know who I am though, I suppose. My vocal production teacher is probably my new inspiration. I am thinking that he really understands me as far as my emotions go. He told me that I do not need to have a mask on my face. I don't need to care what others think and I don't need to try and impress anyone. I do not need to be perfect. I don't need to be false. I don't know who I am yet and that is going to be a goal I should be working on for the rest of the term. It is lovely. Just lovely.
February 22nd, 2014
I am so determined. I NEED to find a job this weekend. I printed out some resumes and such. I might have actually had a job by now too, but guess what. My phone will not make phone calls still. :/ Sad day. It really upsets me.... (-_-) This is me upset. Anyways, I tried to track my new phone that actually is suppose to work on UPS tracking and it says it could not be located. Excuse me. What? Ridiculous. My phone was suppose to be here two days ago. This is absolutely frustrating because it is really changing my communication for potential jobs. I could have been hired by now. That would of let me have so much less stress. Oh, shoot. :/ Well, then! We shall see where this takes me. God knows and I pray / hope that he helps me out here. I have rent and food to pay for. My goodness. @ 8:46am
February 20th, 2014
Well! I haven't been writing for a long while. I know I would really like to be writing more. I just get so busy. It is crazy how much life has been going on throughout this year. It has almost been two months in the year of 2014 as well. I don't even know where my life is going right now. I know a lot has changed, but what else have I really accomplished? I need to do more. I need to expand. I want to create something and be something. My motives are constantly being questioned. They are not being questioned by everyone else. Oh, no. They are being questioned by my self. The very thoughts that linger and drift through my mind haunt me from time to time. At times I just really look upon my life and wonder. This year was meant to be the year. This year, everything was suppose to be new and fresh. My life was going to change. This year my life is going to change. Fake it until you make it.
I just always loose myself within my own thoughts. I feel so lost at times. Other times I feel as though I am on top of the world. What I really do want to know though, is what this life has. There is no way I, or any of us, are just here to be here. I am here for a reason. Sometimes, I like to think I know what that reason is. Most of the time, I am wrong towards the guessing of that reason. I feel lost and vulnerable. It is not something I really enjoy expressing.
There are numerous "fake" people in this world. I simply cannot stand it. What does it take for me to meet a real person for once? I am so stranded by this fact. The realization that there are actually "bad" people in the world, hurts me. I never grew up that way until I experienced not so good people. I just thought that the world had people with different motives. I always thought that there was a little slice of good in every person. It doesn't matter how bad they are, there is still some good in them. If there is no good, there is no hope. Only the Beatles can save me now. I mean, honestly. I need some music. "Come together.. right now." and "Let it be. Let it be!" sing the Beatles! Man. Oh, man! I love hope they just go for peace because more than anything, that is what the world needs. We all just need a little bit of light in our life. We all need some sunshine. Peace and love heal the heart. @ 11:42pm
I just always loose myself within my own thoughts. I feel so lost at times. Other times I feel as though I am on top of the world. What I really do want to know though, is what this life has. There is no way I, or any of us, are just here to be here. I am here for a reason. Sometimes, I like to think I know what that reason is. Most of the time, I am wrong towards the guessing of that reason. I feel lost and vulnerable. It is not something I really enjoy expressing.
There are numerous "fake" people in this world. I simply cannot stand it. What does it take for me to meet a real person for once? I am so stranded by this fact. The realization that there are actually "bad" people in the world, hurts me. I never grew up that way until I experienced not so good people. I just thought that the world had people with different motives. I always thought that there was a little slice of good in every person. It doesn't matter how bad they are, there is still some good in them. If there is no good, there is no hope. Only the Beatles can save me now. I mean, honestly. I need some music. "Come together.. right now." and "Let it be. Let it be!" sing the Beatles! Man. Oh, man! I love hope they just go for peace because more than anything, that is what the world needs. We all just need a little bit of light in our life. We all need some sunshine. Peace and love heal the heart. @ 11:42pm
January 2nd, 2014
I have no idea what happened! I mean, how did time go by this fast? I do not know why or how. Life is shooting by so rapidly. This really brings everything back to the whole, "Live in the moment thing." WOW!
Okay! So, my birthday was December 11th! It was one of the most amazing birthdays I have had. The girls had school, but hey! I am now 19 years of age! Oh my gosh! What happened? The whole family took me out to The Rainforest Café and we all got shirts! My shirt says, "Got Frogs? We Do!" I think it's pretty darn cute. :D I got the most wonderful birthday cake also. It had colorful drama masks on it and the writing reminds me of London. Haha. I will post a picture of it in the "Photo Diary" section underneath "Thoughts".
Although it is not about the gifts, the ones I received were absolutely wonderful. <3 I got a glorious faux fur bedding set. Yeah! Is it comfy? Oh, let me tell you! It IS sooooo comfy! I also was given fuzzy black, grey, and white pajama pants. (These are wonderful. Much love. I wear them way too often.) A belly piercing was involved as well.
Alrighty, let me tell ya'll about this belly piercing now. :P (Pictures will also be on the "Photo Diary" page.)
Okay! So, my birthday was December 11th! It was one of the most amazing birthdays I have had. The girls had school, but hey! I am now 19 years of age! Oh my gosh! What happened? The whole family took me out to The Rainforest Café and we all got shirts! My shirt says, "Got Frogs? We Do!" I think it's pretty darn cute. :D I got the most wonderful birthday cake also. It had colorful drama masks on it and the writing reminds me of London. Haha. I will post a picture of it in the "Photo Diary" section underneath "Thoughts".
Although it is not about the gifts, the ones I received were absolutely wonderful. <3 I got a glorious faux fur bedding set. Yeah! Is it comfy? Oh, let me tell you! It IS sooooo comfy! I also was given fuzzy black, grey, and white pajama pants. (These are wonderful. Much love. I wear them way too often.) A belly piercing was involved as well.
Alrighty, let me tell ya'll about this belly piercing now. :P (Pictures will also be on the "Photo Diary" page.)
December 1st, 2013
Well, today is a Sunday. It has been a while since my last note. So, to catch up let me say life is going by way too fast.
November 7th, 2013
You gave up; and right when I was on the edge. I am so glad I didn't take that last treacherous step into the darkness; because that's all it would have been, darkness. If I would have fallen, I would have fell into the sea and suffocated. You had no intention of catching me. You did not consider me or my feelings. Well, I'll see you on the flip side. As strange as it sounds, I really hope I do too. Why? Because I'll be flying without you. When you see me, you're gonna wish you were my wings, my light, my guardian angel. But truth be told, I'm my own wings, I light one hell of a wildfire, and God's the ONLY guardian angel I'll ever need. @ 11:39pm
Note To Self: You're as strong as you want to be. I'm getting my mojo back! Heck Yeahhh!!!!!!!
Note To Self: You're as strong as you want to be. I'm getting my mojo back! Heck Yeahhh!!!!!!!
November 6th, 2013
If someone ever says that you can't do something or that you're not good at something, I dare you to challenge that. I dare you to prove them wrong because if they say you can NOT do something, they will always be wrong. If you want to do it, if you think you can do it, then you can. Go for it and never let anyone tell you otherwise.
I am going to do two Saxophone covers is what I have decided. The first one will be "You're Gonna Go Far Kid" by the Offspring. This song looks like so much fun on the Saxophone so I am pretty darn excited. This song honestly kind of helped bring back some of the inspiration that I have been missing and so I am incredible excited to get working on this song. The second song is the Pokemon theme song because I am secretly a nerdy kind of kid. I love the theme song. When I was younger I was in a Pokemon league with my brother and we had trading cards. We had everything Pokemon. It was so great. We went to battles and all that jazz. So, you see, it only makes sense that I play the Pokemon theme song. :D
Lastly, today at work, there was a guy who came in. I was super nice to him and we stuck up an awesome conversation. He ended up tipping really well. So, that was great. Anywho, he looked like Jesus because of the long hair and facial hair. He said he didn't play any instruments and I told him he should. He looked like he should be in a metal band or nickleback. This guy was awesome! He should come back to work. It was a good night at work and that guy just was the cherry on top. :P @ 10:58
Note To Self: Rock music has been inspirational lately. Take advantage of that. Music Rocks!!!!!!! <3
I am going to do two Saxophone covers is what I have decided. The first one will be "You're Gonna Go Far Kid" by the Offspring. This song looks like so much fun on the Saxophone so I am pretty darn excited. This song honestly kind of helped bring back some of the inspiration that I have been missing and so I am incredible excited to get working on this song. The second song is the Pokemon theme song because I am secretly a nerdy kind of kid. I love the theme song. When I was younger I was in a Pokemon league with my brother and we had trading cards. We had everything Pokemon. It was so great. We went to battles and all that jazz. So, you see, it only makes sense that I play the Pokemon theme song. :D
Lastly, today at work, there was a guy who came in. I was super nice to him and we stuck up an awesome conversation. He ended up tipping really well. So, that was great. Anywho, he looked like Jesus because of the long hair and facial hair. He said he didn't play any instruments and I told him he should. He looked like he should be in a metal band or nickleback. This guy was awesome! He should come back to work. It was a good night at work and that guy just was the cherry on top. :P @ 10:58
Note To Self: Rock music has been inspirational lately. Take advantage of that. Music Rocks!!!!!!! <3
November 5th, 2013
I just want to be inspired; not for a moment, but for all eternity. I don't have to much to say as of this moment. I wish there was more time in the day. Sadly, there is not. That is alright though it makes the days even more worth wild. I have come to notice how fast life goes by. I have drifted from state to state and experienced so much in high school alone. It is insane to look back on all that has happened and realize; that all happened within the short time that it did.
The most important thing I have probably learned from that is that life does go by quickly. It has beautiful moments that come and go within it. We need to grasp each moment and hold onto it. We need to never let it go. I take that back. We need to never forget it, but still move on.
You see, I want to stand for something. This life will be gone before we know it and I need to look back and say, "I did that." or, "I love my life." I know to many people who look back and do the exact opposite. Whatever I do, I will not be one of those people. I am out to create, inspire, bring joy, bring warmth, and bring happiness. I am out to create happiness for myself and others.
@ 11:51pm
Note To Self: Although I believe we create our own happiness, I also believe happiness is already created within the world. We just have to open our eyes and see it. (:
P.S. Quote of the day - "Murder is a bad first impression." - Once Upon A Time
The most important thing I have probably learned from that is that life does go by quickly. It has beautiful moments that come and go within it. We need to grasp each moment and hold onto it. We need to never let it go. I take that back. We need to never forget it, but still move on.
You see, I want to stand for something. This life will be gone before we know it and I need to look back and say, "I did that." or, "I love my life." I know to many people who look back and do the exact opposite. Whatever I do, I will not be one of those people. I am out to create, inspire, bring joy, bring warmth, and bring happiness. I am out to create happiness for myself and others.
@ 11:51pm
Note To Self: Although I believe we create our own happiness, I also believe happiness is already created within the world. We just have to open our eyes and see it. (:
P.S. Quote of the day - "Murder is a bad first impression." - Once Upon A Time
November 4th, 2013
So! I got some responses from a couple of the posts I replied to. That is awesome by the way. I am going to set two photo shoots. These will have diversity. One will be more edgy and the other will be more classy. We shall see for sure though. These photos will be great to expand my book. I'm excited to get this book started.
I am seriously thinking of going vegetarian now. I really do not want to be using products that are tested on animals either. I have decided to take a stand and only use products that are not tested on animals. No animal deserves that kind of harshness. Enough with the harshness to poor animals.
I had a long chat that lasted a little over an hour and a half with Great Grandma Biter. I have not seen or talked to her since I was very young. I saw her last after the family's trip to Disney Land. I believe I was eight or so. I asked Dad for Grandma E''s number and he accidentally gave me HIS grandma's number. I am so glad he did though because it was such a great time catching up. I really enjoyed it. I actually learned a lot of new things. It was so cool! She also said she has a quilt that has all 16 grand-kids' and all 25 or 26 great grand-kids' name's on it. How awesome is that? Her brother made it I guess. She gave me her cell phone number because she said she just got a cell phone. I told her I would send her some photos on it. It is pretty insane that she is already working a cell phone. My great grandma Biter is so cool! :D @ 10:47pm
P.S. She turns 90 years old in February and I will be around the area! I should definitely go give her a visit!
Note To Self: Be sure to call all grandparents tomorrow. <3
I am seriously thinking of going vegetarian now. I really do not want to be using products that are tested on animals either. I have decided to take a stand and only use products that are not tested on animals. No animal deserves that kind of harshness. Enough with the harshness to poor animals.
I had a long chat that lasted a little over an hour and a half with Great Grandma Biter. I have not seen or talked to her since I was very young. I saw her last after the family's trip to Disney Land. I believe I was eight or so. I asked Dad for Grandma E''s number and he accidentally gave me HIS grandma's number. I am so glad he did though because it was such a great time catching up. I really enjoyed it. I actually learned a lot of new things. It was so cool! She also said she has a quilt that has all 16 grand-kids' and all 25 or 26 great grand-kids' name's on it. How awesome is that? Her brother made it I guess. She gave me her cell phone number because she said she just got a cell phone. I told her I would send her some photos on it. It is pretty insane that she is already working a cell phone. My great grandma Biter is so cool! :D @ 10:47pm
P.S. She turns 90 years old in February and I will be around the area! I should definitely go give her a visit!
Note To Self: Be sure to call all grandparents tomorrow. <3
November 3rd, 2013
Life and everything in it is absolutely beautiful. I am considering becoming at least a vegetarian. I have been considering this a lot off and on. Now I am back here considering it again. I know if given the chance, I could do it. It is just the matter of whether it truly is a healthier choice or not. I am currently unsure of if it is a good route to take. If a became a vegetarian I would practically be borderline vegan too because of the things I like / dislike to eat. Sigh. I don't know. I will just ask the doctor when I go to see him soon.
I was talking with my soon to be roommate today and I am so excited to get my new life started. I am of course, sad to leave my current life behind. It's sort of bittersweet. I wish my family could come with me, but I know this is something I have to do on my own. I am ready now too. Well, I don't know about ready financially, but I will get there! :D I am determined after all.
I finally ordered my harmonica off of eBay for a cheap price. I am so excited for it to come. I can not wait to get started playing something new. Oh, and what an adventure it will be. Trying new things is the best. It's what I live for!
Today is a Sunday and in church the pastor was talking about that gut wrenching feeling you get when you do something nerve wrecking. He said, "That's your alive button!" That is so awesome! I love my alive button. The more it goes off. the better. I mean, why not! I love feeling alive and free. Is that not, after all, how we are meant to feel? Are we not meant to feel beautiful, alive, creative, wonderful, and free?
Speaking of creative, I have decided to get the hard cardboard presentation poster boards from the dollar store and treat them like canvas. I am going to do this because I really would love something like canvas to draw / paint on. I just cannot, for the life of me, afford to continuously buy canvas to paint on. So, I have decided to go the cheaper route. When you can save money and still be creative, why not do so? I am so extremely ready to let my creativity flow through me.
I applied to be a DJ for the weekends today. It pays well and it would be a pretty amazing job.Wish me luck! I would love to have that job! I also applied for quite the few modeling and acting jobs. I really hope to get those as well. It would be wonderful experience and a great way to help me get my foot in the door. I sure do hope I get these jobs. I'll pray for them, but I already know that God knows exactly what he wants to do with my life. He knows every little detail and every minor aspect of what my life will become to a T. @ 10:22pm
P.S. Today we all got to sleep in an extra hour! It was soooo nice! Yay for daylight savings time! :D
Note To Self: Like the pastor said, always have High Expectations for life, others, God, and for Yourself! *******
I was talking with my soon to be roommate today and I am so excited to get my new life started. I am of course, sad to leave my current life behind. It's sort of bittersweet. I wish my family could come with me, but I know this is something I have to do on my own. I am ready now too. Well, I don't know about ready financially, but I will get there! :D I am determined after all.
I finally ordered my harmonica off of eBay for a cheap price. I am so excited for it to come. I can not wait to get started playing something new. Oh, and what an adventure it will be. Trying new things is the best. It's what I live for!
Today is a Sunday and in church the pastor was talking about that gut wrenching feeling you get when you do something nerve wrecking. He said, "That's your alive button!" That is so awesome! I love my alive button. The more it goes off. the better. I mean, why not! I love feeling alive and free. Is that not, after all, how we are meant to feel? Are we not meant to feel beautiful, alive, creative, wonderful, and free?
Speaking of creative, I have decided to get the hard cardboard presentation poster boards from the dollar store and treat them like canvas. I am going to do this because I really would love something like canvas to draw / paint on. I just cannot, for the life of me, afford to continuously buy canvas to paint on. So, I have decided to go the cheaper route. When you can save money and still be creative, why not do so? I am so extremely ready to let my creativity flow through me.
I applied to be a DJ for the weekends today. It pays well and it would be a pretty amazing job.Wish me luck! I would love to have that job! I also applied for quite the few modeling and acting jobs. I really hope to get those as well. It would be wonderful experience and a great way to help me get my foot in the door. I sure do hope I get these jobs. I'll pray for them, but I already know that God knows exactly what he wants to do with my life. He knows every little detail and every minor aspect of what my life will become to a T. @ 10:22pm
P.S. Today we all got to sleep in an extra hour! It was soooo nice! Yay for daylight savings time! :D
Note To Self: Like the pastor said, always have High Expectations for life, others, God, and for Yourself! *******
October 26th, 2013
I honestly am completely unsure of where the days went. They are drifting so far away. (I just noticed that the f5 key on my keyboard is just that, an f5 key. How strange. Every key has something else, except for the f5 key. It's all on its own. That was a random fact. Now back to the regular scheduled broadcast.) I was sick for a good five ..ish days. When you're sick everything just slips. Now I am determined to stay focused and get back on track. eBay has been trying to distract me unfortunately. Haha. Ohhhh....... eBay. I made a list of things I need to do to pay for tuition and rent. I need to stay afloat. I made a website for people to donate if they are willing so that I don't drowned in debt and become homeless. Yeah. That would not be too good. I might make a new segment on being "education worthy" on this blog. I will add the link to give donations too in my other websites list and on the homepage.
I have decided that harmonica would be a joyful task to take up. I am going to buy one today and we shall see where it takes me. I'm not going to lie. I am pretty excited. I'll make a few videos with it and see how it turns out. It is such a need little instrument. My soul has been ravished by the sweet creation of music lately. It's an absolute mesmerizing site and truly feeds the soul. <3
Most of all, I have a new found obsession with the electric acoustic cello. Those things are simply beautiful. They are gorgeous in sound and in style. I use to play the cello. I would now like to pick it up again and take it for a spin. The electric one would especially be a beautiful thing to get my hands on. @ 2:05pm
I have decided that harmonica would be a joyful task to take up. I am going to buy one today and we shall see where it takes me. I'm not going to lie. I am pretty excited. I'll make a few videos with it and see how it turns out. It is such a need little instrument. My soul has been ravished by the sweet creation of music lately. It's an absolute mesmerizing site and truly feeds the soul. <3
Most of all, I have a new found obsession with the electric acoustic cello. Those things are simply beautiful. They are gorgeous in sound and in style. I use to play the cello. I would now like to pick it up again and take it for a spin. The electric one would especially be a beautiful thing to get my hands on. @ 2:05pm
October 18th, 2013
It appears that I have lost myself for awhile. I had lost myself like no other. I am ashamed of it. Yet, it was much needed. I will not deny that detail of it all. For the past, I'd say three days I have been traumatically ill. I do not no for sure though. Time and everything that goes along with it has been lost. Lately, I have grown a rather strong connection for the well being of my family. I love them and I would do anything for them. @ 10:04am
October 13th, 2013
I had a dream last night. It was quite odd. Kaileigh was in it and as well as Will Smith. I was at an art school and it was on two islands. We had to take a large boat to get to the other side of the campus. Will Smith came as a guest and it took me days to work up enough courage to go talk to him. One day no one was outside except Will Smith and he was sitting on a picnic bench all by his lonesome. He looked as though he was contemplating thoughts. I was just about to turn around when I was a few feet away from him, but he then lifted up his head. I was insanely nervous. We began to talk. Long story short, he gave me profound advise and wisdom on life. It was wonderful. I even got his autograph and everything. I got a picture and the whole deal. After we bid each other farewell, I went walking up a dock like entrance onto my boat like dorm area. I heard someone playing my guitar and I thought it was just a friend or a boy I liked. I was happy because I finally chatted with Will Smith. So, I didn't mind. I walked into my dorm room and it was my sister, Kaileigh! I told her not to play my guitar so she ran out of the room and down the hall. I think she ran on the large boat and went to the next campus over. I guess she went to the same school as me. It was weird. She came out of nowhere. I sat on my bed and leaned back with a sigh. I was happy. Next, my roommates came in and I began to awake in reality.
My brother really should answer his phone more. Sometimes, I feel as though I need to pry the information out of him by shoving my hand down his throat and pulling out his inner thoughts. Of course, inner thoughts are meant to be inside. After all, some days, they are what keep us alive. Not everyone needs to know every little last detail of our lives. Some details are better kept private. Such as the details of my spinning life in my early teenage years. those details shouldn't of even existed. I am, however, a firm believer in whatever happens, happens for a reason. God gives you only what you can handle. Someone better sign me up for some weightlifting because I'm mighty strong if that's the truth. It most be bad joke Sunday.
Speaking of Sunday, I cried a little in church today. The fact that I did such a thing worried me. I feel as though I know God is real. He is strong and he is so big. I just keep pushing him away. Every time a service moves me, I leave church with this layer around me. This layer that says that's nonsense. Who cries in church? Who cries at all? In church, I felt my heart turning and being sincerely moved by the words of the preacher. I moved by the voice of God that was suffocating me. When I left, I put on my armor and rejected Him. I don't mean that I hated Him. I believe in Him and I will preach His word. I just denied Him. The part that worries me is that I do this repetitively. I want to live for my God. I do not want to live against my God.
Whenever I cry, I don't share it with anyone. I never announce it. I make jokes. That's my thing. It's what I do. If someone is rude to me, I'll make jokes or go along with them. I think the result of this is that I may be a push over. Well, no. No. I'm not. I still speak my mind and I am a very opinionated person. I just walk around with this extra unnecessary layer of skin that I don't need to hold. I want to fly freely so badly, but I just struggle with it continuously.
We were going through old pictures today. They were mostly of Jamesmichael and I. There were others, but that was the majority of them. They were from when Mom and Dad were together and when we lived on the farm in Idaho. I miss that. I miss my brother. I miss my family. I miss everything before it all changed. Jamesmichael use to smile a lot. He's a good brother. I just want the best for him, you know? I want him to have money and to have a wedding ring to give Megan. Most of all, I want us to always be close and I want him to always be happy. I want him to want more for his life and I want him to go after it. I hope he actually does come to Brazil with me in 2016. It would be a heck of a trip if we start planning now. I love you, brother. <3
Lastly, I have decided, after all the hurt, all the pain, and after all of the sorrow, there is still good in the world. I don't know how. I just know there is. I have seen beauty. I have seen a sun that never fails to come up in the morning and a rainbow that always appears after a storm. I have seen breathtaking views all because God made them. I was put on this earth for a reason and I intend to find out what that reason is. I don't know what God wants from me and I think that is why I hurt so much in service. I struggle because I am trying to listen. I just can't hear Him. Either I am deaf or I'm not really listening with my heart. Does He want me to join Peace Corps? Should I go to California? Is it okay to travel? Should I stay and help my brother? What do I have time for? What will I make time for? What matters the most in my life? How will I get there? What happens if I do get there? It might sound weird, but I'm afraid of arriving. What does He want from me? I just wish I knew. Can He please tell me through my dreams?
Because there is still beauty in the world, I choose to latch on to the chance of a miracle. I still believe anything can happen. I still believe in fairy tales. I will NOT settle for anything less. There has got to be a guy out there that enjoys art the way I do. I need someone who will want to go to the art museum, get coffee, play an instrument, love poetry, be into acting, love journalism, and have a creative mind. Someone who will love to discuss real matters and not what happened in the cafeteria. Someone who is Christian, open, and someone who can enlighten my life, while I enhance their's. Because I still believe in fairy tales, I still believe in a prince. Because I still believe in God, I still believe in beauty. @ 6:30pm
Note To Self: And after all of this, I still believe in fairy tales.
P.S. My favorite love story is still and always will be the one that belongs to my grandparents. (:
My brother really should answer his phone more. Sometimes, I feel as though I need to pry the information out of him by shoving my hand down his throat and pulling out his inner thoughts. Of course, inner thoughts are meant to be inside. After all, some days, they are what keep us alive. Not everyone needs to know every little last detail of our lives. Some details are better kept private. Such as the details of my spinning life in my early teenage years. those details shouldn't of even existed. I am, however, a firm believer in whatever happens, happens for a reason. God gives you only what you can handle. Someone better sign me up for some weightlifting because I'm mighty strong if that's the truth. It most be bad joke Sunday.
Speaking of Sunday, I cried a little in church today. The fact that I did such a thing worried me. I feel as though I know God is real. He is strong and he is so big. I just keep pushing him away. Every time a service moves me, I leave church with this layer around me. This layer that says that's nonsense. Who cries in church? Who cries at all? In church, I felt my heart turning and being sincerely moved by the words of the preacher. I moved by the voice of God that was suffocating me. When I left, I put on my armor and rejected Him. I don't mean that I hated Him. I believe in Him and I will preach His word. I just denied Him. The part that worries me is that I do this repetitively. I want to live for my God. I do not want to live against my God.
Whenever I cry, I don't share it with anyone. I never announce it. I make jokes. That's my thing. It's what I do. If someone is rude to me, I'll make jokes or go along with them. I think the result of this is that I may be a push over. Well, no. No. I'm not. I still speak my mind and I am a very opinionated person. I just walk around with this extra unnecessary layer of skin that I don't need to hold. I want to fly freely so badly, but I just struggle with it continuously.
We were going through old pictures today. They were mostly of Jamesmichael and I. There were others, but that was the majority of them. They were from when Mom and Dad were together and when we lived on the farm in Idaho. I miss that. I miss my brother. I miss my family. I miss everything before it all changed. Jamesmichael use to smile a lot. He's a good brother. I just want the best for him, you know? I want him to have money and to have a wedding ring to give Megan. Most of all, I want us to always be close and I want him to always be happy. I want him to want more for his life and I want him to go after it. I hope he actually does come to Brazil with me in 2016. It would be a heck of a trip if we start planning now. I love you, brother. <3
Lastly, I have decided, after all the hurt, all the pain, and after all of the sorrow, there is still good in the world. I don't know how. I just know there is. I have seen beauty. I have seen a sun that never fails to come up in the morning and a rainbow that always appears after a storm. I have seen breathtaking views all because God made them. I was put on this earth for a reason and I intend to find out what that reason is. I don't know what God wants from me and I think that is why I hurt so much in service. I struggle because I am trying to listen. I just can't hear Him. Either I am deaf or I'm not really listening with my heart. Does He want me to join Peace Corps? Should I go to California? Is it okay to travel? Should I stay and help my brother? What do I have time for? What will I make time for? What matters the most in my life? How will I get there? What happens if I do get there? It might sound weird, but I'm afraid of arriving. What does He want from me? I just wish I knew. Can He please tell me through my dreams?
Because there is still beauty in the world, I choose to latch on to the chance of a miracle. I still believe anything can happen. I still believe in fairy tales. I will NOT settle for anything less. There has got to be a guy out there that enjoys art the way I do. I need someone who will want to go to the art museum, get coffee, play an instrument, love poetry, be into acting, love journalism, and have a creative mind. Someone who will love to discuss real matters and not what happened in the cafeteria. Someone who is Christian, open, and someone who can enlighten my life, while I enhance their's. Because I still believe in fairy tales, I still believe in a prince. Because I still believe in God, I still believe in beauty. @ 6:30pm
Note To Self: And after all of this, I still believe in fairy tales.
P.S. My favorite love story is still and always will be the one that belongs to my grandparents. (:
October 12th, 2013
Not too much to say. Stayed up late. I skyped with Lacey. That was pretty awesome. I loved it. It was a pretty fun laundry mat day. Kraig got video taped and such. There are more photos and videos from today than words. I didn't really have too much time to write today. So, most of it is in the camera. It was a pretty good day though. I enjoyed it. @ 10:00pm
October 11th, 2013
My new obsession is Owl City. Well, it's not really too new. I loved Adam Young's music before, but then I started drifting away from it. Now, I am back into it. The music is absolutely breathtaking. It is uplifting, empowering, inspirational, fun, and beautiful. It is poetry. The lyrics are so abnormal, but in the most magical of ways. The lyrics are as if they are spinning and surrounding my head. He is singing poetry. His music is not the same old same old. It is magical. I have never heard so many beautiful poems in one album. I feel as though my heart and soul are being lifted up to the heavens. I'm being taken on a journey.
Music is so beautiful. It takes emotions and creates them in an absolute striking way. It is something you can poor your heart and soul into. As is every type of art imaginable. It is just so expensive to do certain types of art. I'd like to go run to the record store today, speaking of art. I need to go to Seattle and run to Easy Street. I'd like to grab some Beatles and Joan Jett records. I'm sure Owl City has some records as well, even though Adam Young's music is more modern. @ 11:50am
Oh, did I mention I knitted a scarf? I can not believe I forgot to mention that. Well, yes. I knitted an infinity scarf. It is quite lovely. I will post a few pictures in my photo a day section as well as wear my scarf in today's video diary. This is so exciting. It is beautiful and so incredibly neat. I'm extremely proud of myself for creating it. If I can teach myself how to knit, I can teach myself anything. What will I learn next? Perhaps boxing, harmonica, something on my bucket list, or pottery. Who really knows? Stay tuned to find out! Haha. :D @ 12:32pm
P.S. We had pie tonight. It was delicious. Banana cream pie and chocolate pie were the two options. I chose Banana Cream pie, of course. :0
@ 1:07am
Note To Self: What can I say? I'm a dreamer and I'm a believer. C=
Music is so beautiful. It takes emotions and creates them in an absolute striking way. It is something you can poor your heart and soul into. As is every type of art imaginable. It is just so expensive to do certain types of art. I'd like to go run to the record store today, speaking of art. I need to go to Seattle and run to Easy Street. I'd like to grab some Beatles and Joan Jett records. I'm sure Owl City has some records as well, even though Adam Young's music is more modern. @ 11:50am
Oh, did I mention I knitted a scarf? I can not believe I forgot to mention that. Well, yes. I knitted an infinity scarf. It is quite lovely. I will post a few pictures in my photo a day section as well as wear my scarf in today's video diary. This is so exciting. It is beautiful and so incredibly neat. I'm extremely proud of myself for creating it. If I can teach myself how to knit, I can teach myself anything. What will I learn next? Perhaps boxing, harmonica, something on my bucket list, or pottery. Who really knows? Stay tuned to find out! Haha. :D @ 12:32pm
P.S. We had pie tonight. It was delicious. Banana cream pie and chocolate pie were the two options. I chose Banana Cream pie, of course. :0
@ 1:07am
Note To Self: What can I say? I'm a dreamer and I'm a believer. C=
October 10th, 2013
So, today was a lot more productive than yesterday which makes me happy. It makes me very happy. I do believe tomorrow will be even better. There are only brighter days ahead of us. There is always a brighter tomorrow. I do believe in that very much so. Tomorrow will be exciting and full of new adventures.
As for today, I learned to knit. Well, kind of anyways. I am pretty sure I have got the basics down. How exciting! I have a new found love for older people also. I am sort of afraid of growing old myself though. I would love to be young forever. That is why it is good to take care of myself now. I want to be healthy, strong, active, outgoing, and fit. I never want to stop trying new things. Never ever stop trying. Period. I will always keep going.
I absolutely love my grandparents and want them to live forever and ever. You should always be good to the people you love. No matter what because they love you. Why are we the most harsh to the people which we care for and about? Perhaps it is do to the fact that we are around them most often. We can not simply take a break from them. That is okay though, because you do NOT take a break on the people you love.
I think for the rest of my life, because I only have one life, I will always try to do my best. I really do need to live up to the whole, "The day I sleep, is the day that I die" thing. That would be good. I should always remember that. I really have got to push myself. I need to try new things, work hard, love strong, live strong, and be amazing. Yay! Time to love life! I am here for a reason and it is time for me to go after that reason! Oh! By the way I am watching Letters to Juliet! I love this movie so far. I would love a guy to write letters to me. That'd be amazing. Haha. Anyways. . . LOVE LIFE! :D @ 10:45pm
P.S. My oh my time is sure moving swiftly. It is already October tenth! When did that happen? :P
Note To Self: But dreams DO come true! <3
As for today, I learned to knit. Well, kind of anyways. I am pretty sure I have got the basics down. How exciting! I have a new found love for older people also. I am sort of afraid of growing old myself though. I would love to be young forever. That is why it is good to take care of myself now. I want to be healthy, strong, active, outgoing, and fit. I never want to stop trying new things. Never ever stop trying. Period. I will always keep going.
I absolutely love my grandparents and want them to live forever and ever. You should always be good to the people you love. No matter what because they love you. Why are we the most harsh to the people which we care for and about? Perhaps it is do to the fact that we are around them most often. We can not simply take a break from them. That is okay though, because you do NOT take a break on the people you love.
I think for the rest of my life, because I only have one life, I will always try to do my best. I really do need to live up to the whole, "The day I sleep, is the day that I die" thing. That would be good. I should always remember that. I really have got to push myself. I need to try new things, work hard, love strong, live strong, and be amazing. Yay! Time to love life! I am here for a reason and it is time for me to go after that reason! Oh! By the way I am watching Letters to Juliet! I love this movie so far. I would love a guy to write letters to me. That'd be amazing. Haha. Anyways. . . LOVE LIFE! :D @ 10:45pm
P.S. My oh my time is sure moving swiftly. It is already October tenth! When did that happen? :P
Note To Self: But dreams DO come true! <3
October 9th, 2013
At this point it is almost 10:30am and I am not going to lie. I am getting a bit discouraged. I'm a little disappointed with myself. I didn't wake up until nine because I stayed up late with Alaina, Kraig, and Mom to watch the movie "MUD". That's still no excuse though. I have been slacking. I need to get my head in the game. I need to wake up early, work, and get things done. My mother said, "It was nice going to class with you." She meant that as sarcasm because I didn't wake up and get out of the shower early enough to go to class. It really bothers me that I have been such a deep sleeper lately that I can't even wake up to my alarms. I have like 16 of them too!
I am going to get a bunch of stuff done on my to do list today. I will probably end up making a "Daily Challenge" out of trying to wake up earlier. It can't hurt. I don't know. Wish me luck! @ 10:36am
So, I have not really gotten too much done today actually. I'm listening to some Owl City now. I guess having some not so successful days make the successful ones even better. I haven't been able to borrow the van a lot lately. I need a car so badly. I suppose I don't really need one. I would like one though. I mean, I'd enjoy having one except for the whole gas price issue of it. Oh well, I will get there someday. For now, I'll just work towards it.
We went and saw a movie at the South Hill Library today with the sisters. It was about cave men and it was animated. It was a really cute movie. Of course, as in every movie, there was a little bit of a love story. It kind of made me think that, well, maybe I want a love story of my own. I know. I know. It sounds silly of me to want such a thing. Me of all people! "Miss independent" "Miss I can do it all on my own" It's not that I can't do it on my own. I know that if I really work hard, I can do it all on my own. It's just that maybe, I don't want to do it on my own. Maybe I want to be kissed in the rain, held tight, cuddled with, protected, and told that I am loved. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little afraid. I know the only thing to fear is fear itself and I am a very loving person. When I love someone or something, I love them / it with all of my heart. That's the problem. Then again, maybe that's not such a problem because we do only have one life. Rules are meant to be broken. People are meant to get hurt. Life is meant to be experienced. I don't know. When love comes, it will come out of no where. Until that actually happens, I'll live my life. There is no point in just going on about it now. (:
Anywho, I plan on going to bed super early today to start tomorrow off bright and early. It will be awesome. Here's to a wonderful today and a brighter tomorrow. Cheers! @ 7:55pm
Note To Self: Be productive. You can sleep when you're dead! Change the world or die trying! <3
I am going to get a bunch of stuff done on my to do list today. I will probably end up making a "Daily Challenge" out of trying to wake up earlier. It can't hurt. I don't know. Wish me luck! @ 10:36am
So, I have not really gotten too much done today actually. I'm listening to some Owl City now. I guess having some not so successful days make the successful ones even better. I haven't been able to borrow the van a lot lately. I need a car so badly. I suppose I don't really need one. I would like one though. I mean, I'd enjoy having one except for the whole gas price issue of it. Oh well, I will get there someday. For now, I'll just work towards it.
We went and saw a movie at the South Hill Library today with the sisters. It was about cave men and it was animated. It was a really cute movie. Of course, as in every movie, there was a little bit of a love story. It kind of made me think that, well, maybe I want a love story of my own. I know. I know. It sounds silly of me to want such a thing. Me of all people! "Miss independent" "Miss I can do it all on my own" It's not that I can't do it on my own. I know that if I really work hard, I can do it all on my own. It's just that maybe, I don't want to do it on my own. Maybe I want to be kissed in the rain, held tight, cuddled with, protected, and told that I am loved. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little afraid. I know the only thing to fear is fear itself and I am a very loving person. When I love someone or something, I love them / it with all of my heart. That's the problem. Then again, maybe that's not such a problem because we do only have one life. Rules are meant to be broken. People are meant to get hurt. Life is meant to be experienced. I don't know. When love comes, it will come out of no where. Until that actually happens, I'll live my life. There is no point in just going on about it now. (:
Anywho, I plan on going to bed super early today to start tomorrow off bright and early. It will be awesome. Here's to a wonderful today and a brighter tomorrow. Cheers! @ 7:55pm
Note To Self: Be productive. You can sleep when you're dead! Change the world or die trying! <3
October 8th, 2013
I worked today and it was a much better day at work than Saturday was. Saturday was just ughhh. . . That's alright though. I only worked about three hours today. That's pretty much nothing. So, it was good. Tomorrow we (My mom, sisters, and I) are going to the YMCA. My mother and I are going to try Kickboxing classes. I am pretty excited for those. That will also be a good kick off to my "Try Something New Everyday" challenge. I would like to get back on track for working out tomorrow morning too. I just need to wake up early. I will probably end up going to bed early tonight so I can get up at a good time tomorrow. I like to be done with my two hour workout before the sun comes up. So, we shall see how that turns out.
I am ready to tackle the day tomorrow. I just need to stay focused and motivated is all. I can do it. I know I can. Hey, I don't have work tomorrow, so that should be some good motivation. Haha.
Tomorrow's To Do List:
- Workout
- Read Bible
- Schedule Dentist Appointment
- Kickboxing
- Turn In Application For Housing Department
- Get Food Card
- Apply For Scholarships*
That shouldn't be too much at all. I got this. @ 9:00pm
Note To Self: Love like a hippie loves. <3 Also, don't forget to start on knitting and go to Wally World.
P.S. I really feel like getting some canvases and creating some paintings. With watercolors, crayons, or maybe a toothbrush? I need to listen to some 90's rock and just paint. Yeah. . .
I am ready to tackle the day tomorrow. I just need to stay focused and motivated is all. I can do it. I know I can. Hey, I don't have work tomorrow, so that should be some good motivation. Haha.
Tomorrow's To Do List:
- Workout
- Read Bible
- Schedule Dentist Appointment
- Kickboxing
- Turn In Application For Housing Department
- Get Food Card
- Apply For Scholarships*
That shouldn't be too much at all. I got this. @ 9:00pm
Note To Self: Love like a hippie loves. <3 Also, don't forget to start on knitting and go to Wally World.
P.S. I really feel like getting some canvases and creating some paintings. With watercolors, crayons, or maybe a toothbrush? I need to listen to some 90's rock and just paint. Yeah. . .
October 7th, 2013
I started making my blog website yesterday. So far, it has been looking pretty cool. It is so neat that I can keep all of my memories in one place and not loose them. I really enjoy this idea of a website dedicated to a life. I titled the website "Life's An Adventure" because it is such a roller coaster. Life Is so much fun and you never really do know what is to happen next.
I am starting to realize that worrying is also kind of a pointless thing to do. I mean, you do all you can possibly do and then sit back and let things happen. Things are going to happen no matter what, so it would be entirely pointless to stand there and worry about them. Living a free happy life is key. That is part of the reasoning for this blog. It is to live a free, happy, eventful, inspirational, active, and one of a kind life that is incredibly wonderful.
Today I went to the doctors and had a physical done. They also did an EKG scan. It came back abnormal. I need to make an appointment to go see a cardiologist. My brother, Jamesmichael also has the same chest pains and back pains as I do. He describes it the same and everything. I hope it's not too serious, but I rather get it checked out to be sure. The doctor said the heart isn't something to mess around with. I won't mess around with it. I'll get it figured out. Jamesmichael is was going on this rant about our family past again. He was saying how you have to live life well and take care of your body before you turn 50 or 40 because after that we're pppfffftttttttt..... Ha. He was talking about all of the family problems on our Father's side again. Well, I don't know about all that, but either way, I am going to live an awesome full life. I do believe in miracles and God. That's the way I was raised. We don't even know for sure what the chest pain stuff is. So, Who knows. Jamesmichael did say that he believes I am going to live an awesome life in the mist of it all. I really do love that brother of mine. He was my childhood best friend. I look up to him no matter what he does and I always will. He's an inspiration no matter how he goes about with his life. I really truly want the best for him and I want him to be happy. I wish I could give him all the money in the world so he wasn't so poor. It was so nice talking to him on the phone today. He's going to college he thinks now and looking for a job. I will pray for him for that every night. I love him with all my heart and I hope he sees that he can become anything his heart desires.
Haha. And the day just started. Kind of. It's 12:04pm. :)
Me again.. I just had a delightful chat with my mother and sister, Alaina. Bella was taking a bath and us three girls were chatting in Mom's bedroom. It was lovely. We were talking about a ton of different things. We got coffee earlier today too from Iconic Coffee Inc. Kaileigh's and Chrissy are at school while Kraig is at work. Alaina was at school while we were chatting. . . Home school that is. Haha. We are now going to eat lunch and then watch "Zoolander" together. It should be fun. Meanwhile, Alaina is dying her hair another time, Mom is about to make lunch, Bella is doing I don't know what, and I am about to search for some college scholarships again that my lovely mother sent to me. It's a good day to be alive. @ 1:00pm
Note To Self: Remember to send Jamesmichael, Dad, Grandma & Uncle Lester, Grandpa & Barbra, and Grandma & Grandpa Sorenson each a care package. Also, Cari and Joe a card or letter. Spread Happiness.
I am starting to realize that worrying is also kind of a pointless thing to do. I mean, you do all you can possibly do and then sit back and let things happen. Things are going to happen no matter what, so it would be entirely pointless to stand there and worry about them. Living a free happy life is key. That is part of the reasoning for this blog. It is to live a free, happy, eventful, inspirational, active, and one of a kind life that is incredibly wonderful.
Today I went to the doctors and had a physical done. They also did an EKG scan. It came back abnormal. I need to make an appointment to go see a cardiologist. My brother, Jamesmichael also has the same chest pains and back pains as I do. He describes it the same and everything. I hope it's not too serious, but I rather get it checked out to be sure. The doctor said the heart isn't something to mess around with. I won't mess around with it. I'll get it figured out. Jamesmichael is was going on this rant about our family past again. He was saying how you have to live life well and take care of your body before you turn 50 or 40 because after that we're pppfffftttttttt..... Ha. He was talking about all of the family problems on our Father's side again. Well, I don't know about all that, but either way, I am going to live an awesome full life. I do believe in miracles and God. That's the way I was raised. We don't even know for sure what the chest pain stuff is. So, Who knows. Jamesmichael did say that he believes I am going to live an awesome life in the mist of it all. I really do love that brother of mine. He was my childhood best friend. I look up to him no matter what he does and I always will. He's an inspiration no matter how he goes about with his life. I really truly want the best for him and I want him to be happy. I wish I could give him all the money in the world so he wasn't so poor. It was so nice talking to him on the phone today. He's going to college he thinks now and looking for a job. I will pray for him for that every night. I love him with all my heart and I hope he sees that he can become anything his heart desires.
Haha. And the day just started. Kind of. It's 12:04pm. :)
Me again.. I just had a delightful chat with my mother and sister, Alaina. Bella was taking a bath and us three girls were chatting in Mom's bedroom. It was lovely. We were talking about a ton of different things. We got coffee earlier today too from Iconic Coffee Inc. Kaileigh's and Chrissy are at school while Kraig is at work. Alaina was at school while we were chatting. . . Home school that is. Haha. We are now going to eat lunch and then watch "Zoolander" together. It should be fun. Meanwhile, Alaina is dying her hair another time, Mom is about to make lunch, Bella is doing I don't know what, and I am about to search for some college scholarships again that my lovely mother sent to me. It's a good day to be alive. @ 1:00pm
Note To Self: Remember to send Jamesmichael, Dad, Grandma & Uncle Lester, Grandpa & Barbra, and Grandma & Grandpa Sorenson each a care package. Also, Cari and Joe a card or letter. Spread Happiness.